As an independent school chef, your time is constantly accounted for. Someone always needs a minute of your time. It isn't for everyone. I had to be present. Especially after taking on a role to run my own kitchen at a busy private school in Manhattan.
My mind had to be clear. The fog that followed me during my heaviest days of drinking, wouldn't have been of use to me in my new role. I had to show up for meetings, large scale events, and even was given opportunities to speak about my book and the work we did at the school. Accessibility is a change of pace for some chefs. In the world of independent school dining a chef can’t hide. You can't lock yourself in the office and ask not to be bothered. Your staff needs direction. A student has a question. The finance officer has a question about an invoice. Your district manager shows up and wants to implement new policies. The facilities manager has an issue with where the delivery guy parked his truck. All part of the daily grind.
The changes I made to my mental and physical health made an impact. Leaving the booze alone gave me the ability to process everything around me. It made me coherent and improved my foreshadowing. I could anticipate. I was present.
As a chef that is one of your most powerful assets. Being present. It sounds simple, but when people find it easy to come to you with an issue, a question or a request, you can accomplish a great deal. There isn't any tension. There's just productivity.
I've manage some beautiful events during my new position. I've led teams of chefs and cooks and provided them the support they needed to execute events of up to 1000 guests. As a chef that's my job. But when I was heavier, tired, hung over and trying to heal, I couldn't have done it. I would have felt overwhelmed. I might have hit the bottle harder.
The power of healing while I was leading a kitchen is that I was able to put myself in situations that strengthened my resilience. I was challenged because there was always an expectation, a meeting, a request, an issue or something that needed my energy. It forced me to show up ready. Clear minded. It helped my focus. It kept me sober.
That's a blessing. Not everyone who is in recovery has that opportunity. Sometimes people go back to feeling alone and it leads them to the vices that they tried to leave behind. I had my family, my team, my work and new job that I wanted to do well in. That kept my hands moving. It kept my mind distracted from wanting to grab a drink.
There were moments when the thought of saying fuck it and grabbing a bottle. But at some point I felt that I came to far to look backwards. I changed how I dealt with issues and made facing challenges part of my personality. I decided that I came to far to hide.
Was I stressed? Sure. Was I unsure at times? Sure. Did I feel like the headaches were too much? Sometimes. But intuition is powerful. I felt that all the new challenges and emotions that came from being a present leader were part of my journey. I needed them so that I could grow. You need push back. You need tests and when you want to change resistance is a major ingredient. I believe that if change came easily then I would appreciate it. It wouldn't be lasting.
